Observations by Morris

At a nursing home a group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments. “My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,” said one. “Yes, I know,” said another. “My cataracts are so bad I can't even see my coffee.” “I couldn't even mark an “X” at election time, my hands are so crippled,” volunteered a third. “What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you!” “I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,” said a fourth, to which several nodded weakly in agreement. “My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!” exclaimed another. “I forget where I am, and where I'm going,” said another. “I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head. The others nodded in agreement. “Well, count your blessings,” said one woman cheerfully, “Thank God we can all still drive!”

A husband looking through the paper, came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife his long-held contention that women in general, and his wife in particular, talked too much, he showed her the study results, which stated: “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women use 30,000.” His wife thought awhile, then finally she said to her husband, “That's because we have to repeat everything we say.” The husband said, “What?”

A visitor to Israel attended a recital and concert at the Moscovitz Auditorium. He was quite impressed with the architecture and the acoustics. He inquired of the tour guide, “Is this magnificent auditorium named after Chaim Moscovitz, the famous Talmudic scholar?” “No,” replied the guide. “It is named after Sam Moscovitz, the writer.” “Never heard of him. What did he write?” “A check,” replied the guide.

A guy goes on vacation to the Holy Land with his wife and mother-in-law. The mother-in-law dies. They go to an undertaker who explains that they can ship the body home but that it'll cost over $5000, whereas they can bury her in the Holy Land for only $150. The guy says, “We'll ship her home.” The undertaker asks, “Are you sure? That's an awfully big expense and we can do a very nice burial here.” The guy says, “Look, 2000 years ago they buried a guy here and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance.”