Observations by Morris

The Washington Post publishes a yearly contest in which readers
are asked to supply alternate meaning for various words.

Here are some of the winners:

1. Coffee (n.) a person who is coughed upon.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), the emergency vehicle that picks you up after you've been run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified demeanor assumed by a proctologist immediately before he examines you.

13. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

14. Circumvent (n.) the opening in front of boxer shorts.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.) the belief that, when you die, your soul goes upon the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Pokemon (n), a Jamaican proctologist.